Suggestions for Newcomers

The following are suggestions are from members with some time and sobriety in this program. They are only suggestions, but they are techniques that have worked for many of us. These suggestions are not in any particular order.

Get to meetings: Meeting makers make it. Many of us have found that doing ninety in ninety -ninety meetings in ninety days - has proved to be invaluable at the beginning of our recovery and also when the going gets rough in our program. It is a great way to start off your recovery and get a firm footing in the Group.

Use the phone list: We have a phone list with the telephone numbers of members of the group who are willing to talk on the phone with you. We cannot do this program alone, and the phone list is a mechanism to insure that we never have to be alone. Use it. Call people. Even if you don't know them, call. Putting our names on the phone list means we are willing to accept recovery calls from anyone in the group, whenever the need strikes. Do not worry that the call will inconvenience us; it is our experience that recovery calls from someone in need are one of the greatest gifts of the program. Your call helps us at least as much as it helps you. We will be glad to talk to you, to help you through tough periods, to answer your questions, to walk you through situations that used to lead you to act out.

Work the steps: The twelve steps are a program of action. You will get the gifts of recovery in direct proportion to the amount of time and energy that you put into working the steps. Our experience is that it is virtually impossible to work these steps alone: get a sponsor, join a Step Study Group. Better yet: do both.

Find the God of your understanding: This is a spiritual program. If the concept of God troubles you, believe us when we tell you that you are not the first who has had this reaction to the spiritual aspect of the Twelve Steps. Read the Chapter entitled "To The Agnostic" in the AA Big Book. Read the Chapter on Step Two in the Twelve and Twelve. Listen with an attentive heart in meetings and try to hear the voice of God as it may speak to you. Ask people how they handle this God deal. They will be delighted to tell you. The Eleventh Step commends prayer and meditation. So do we - but we know that it may take a long time before you figure out how to pray and meditate in a way that works for you. Be patient. You need only be willing; God will do the rest.

Start Writing: Many of us have found it useful to keep a daily journal about the progress of our recovery. Some have found a gratitude list useful: add ten new items (no repeats) to the list every day - read it over at the end of ninety days, and you will find how far you have come. Some recommend making and keeping a powerlessness list - a list we make every day of those things we are powerless over. This is a good way to get a firm grasp on the essence of the First Step.

Clean House: Get rid of the pornography, the sex paraphernalia and the phone numbers of those you act out with. Get caller ID, and put a block on your Internet connection. Cancel your subscriptions to suspect magazines and your memberships to clubs or chat lines where you have acted out. Throw out your acting-out clothes and costumes. Cut off your contact with your acting-Out partners - don't worry about hurting their feelings, just tell them you won't be dealing with them in the future but don't get into a discussion about it. Don't drive unsafe routes or go past the houses of your former partners. Not all of these suggestions may apply to you - but you get the idea. If you put your mind to it, you will know what you need to do to clean house.

Get organized: Don't allow yourself to have spare time or spare money. Fill your time with activities that enrich your life. Be accountable: tell your spouse, significant other or friends where you will be and when you will meet them; then stick to it.

Get a sponsor: Because of the difficulty of working this program, we strongly recommend that as soon as possible you find a sponsor, or at least a temporary sponsor. A sponsor is a person who has sobriety in this program whom you select to help you work the steps and make important life decisions in this program. It should be someone with whom you will feel comfortable sharing the most intimate details of your life and your addiction. The selection of a sponsor is a highly personal decision: pick someone whose sharing impresses you in meetings and who appears to have what you want. Freely fire any sponsor who does not meet your needs; you may make a mistake or two before you find the right sponsor. For heterosexual members of the group, a sponsor should be of the same sex.

Read the literature: All the information you need for a complete recovery from sex and love addiction is in our Basic Text, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. We strongly recommends all members read the Basic Text of SLAA, especially Chapters: 4, 5 and 6. These chapters explain, respectively, our twelve step program of recovery, the withdrawal experience, and building partnerships. Additionally we encourage you to read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, especially Chapters 5, 6 and 7. These chapters further describe how the program works, how to get into action, and how to maintain your newfound emotional sobriety. Lastly, we suggest you read 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, colloquially referred to as the Twelve and Twelve. It further explains how a 12 step program works and how a 12 step group operates. Many members have found other books vital to their own recovery; we suggest you inquire of members of the group what has helped them to achieve and maintain sobriety.